Had it Up to Here! :)

After being bitched at for an entire week - and listening to the constant bitching of co-workers, I'm to the point where if I do not go home soon, I will be sent home permanently.

I mean seriously - who and what has given these people the right to talk to ANYONE the way they do? Not only are management skills lacking to a point of grave concern, the most innocent and simple basic people skills are lacking. What has happened to the Golden Rule - the ethic of reciprocity - a fundamental moral value instilled in most human beings? Treat others as you would like to be treated - so easy to do!!!!!!!!!

People who appreciate this moral value get treated like crap because they (we) sit and take it. I mean it wouldn't be right if I talked down to the same person that talked down to me and humiliated me for their own pleasure! Would it?

So what does this mean? Yea - despite your power tripping, nasty, I'm better, smarter, richer attitude toward me, I know I'm the better, smarter (and yes better looking haha) person. Treating people decently is a trait that flows naturally from a good person. I guess that says it all.

Talking

I haven't had a thing to write about lately. The subject closest to my heart though is the oddness of not wanting to or feeling like talking. When Cyndi, Curtis, Keith or Jaeden are on the phone, I'm smiling and happy are grateful to hear their amazing voices and every wonderful word coming out of their mouths. That's where it ends. After I hang up with them, I descend into a world of quiet and I love it! The joy of speaking with them cannot be replaced when we hang up.

Do I know why I feel this way? Of course I do. To regurgitate it here would sound a lot like self-pity, and I hate self-pity. I am lost in a thought world - a world where there is too much going on inside, where I have come to realize and know that there is absolutely no point in saying anything any longer. Knowing though at the same time that I have so much to say - if I could and - if someone would listen.

Oh well blah blah blah is what comes to mind when I re-read this. Hahahahahahaha! But seriously, I will deal with it and it will be okay.

I have a moustache

Yes unfortunately it's true! Each morning when preparing to leave for work, I must look in the mirror that magnifies each and every thing on my face and try to get rid of things that don't belong there. Everyone has hair on their face, but usually it's no big deal - until you're in your 50's and of course if you're a woman! I still have a peach fuzzy type face, but it's the upper lip that is worrying me these days. How can that hair have turned so dark so quickly? I grab the stupid little scissors and start cutting, then I'm up in my nose, then I have to check out the mole and oh yea don't forget the one errant chin hair that constantly appears from nothing to a half an inch long overnight!

Grrrr - aging is difficult. I want to grow old with grace - not so much gracefully as with grace. I want to be a beautiful old lady. I want to always care about the hair on my face - care that it's not there for everyone to look at. However, lately I get a vision that I might one day get to that age where I do not care about any hair on my face at all. Plucking my eyebrows won't be necessary because they will be gone! All the hair is moving downward - I'll have a nice moustache- long ugly hairs growing out of my nose and my ears, my mole and my chin, but I won't care, because I got there with grace.

The thing is that even though I may have all that, I'm pretty darn sure I'll be a cute little old lady - I loved my Aunt Molly - she was so special to me and she just had long hairs growing all out of her face - didn't phaze me in the least. I couldn't have cared less and neither did any of the zillions of other people that loved her. She grew old gracefully and with grace. I am going to be just like her when I grow up.

Moustache and all!

Perception - Mine or Yours?

Perception is defined in that manner I really don't appreciate or "get" - "to perceive" - what? - the act of perceiving" - huhhhhhhhh? - "The neurological processes by which such recognition and interpretation are effected." Amazingly I like that one best. If perception is used to define a behavior, then who could or would deign to perceive whose perception is the correct perception?

For example, if it is my perception that a man is totally obsessed with me to the point where I am afraid I might bump into him in the hallway or the elevator, to the point where I run out of the office if he is there, to the point where I park in a totally different spot because he is now parking near me - then I believe intuitively based upon my neurological processes of recognition and interpretation that he is obsessed and stalking me!

However, if he claims to have feelings for me (not neurological by the way) and thinks he is being nice and caring and that it must be okay because he's a good guy, then it is his perception that he is not obsessed or stalking because he would never do that because he has feelings. To me that is ignorant - I mean imagine the things a person could do to another person because "they" have feelings are trying to be nice!

Both of us believe our own perceptions to be accurate - I believe his to be complete and total psycho bullshit. When any stupid man annoys and scares me to the point of running out of my office, it is my perception that I am doing a fight or flight response to fear. When I tell someone repeatedly to leave me the f alone and they still continue to e-mail me and be "friendly", I perceive that to be harassment.

Obviously, my perception is the right one. I don't care what anyone says. Now he can sign an agreement in which he will agree to leave me alone. I perceive that to be exactly what I asked for in the first place!

I have a lot of pent-up feelings and thoughts about this stalking thing and perhaps I will write on it again.

Memory Loss

Before you read this you might want to know that I edited it 4 times. Why? Because I wanted to add something I forgot to, fix something I remembered incorrectly, etc. GRRRRRR.

I remember when my kids were little, I prided myself on being such a good listener to everything they said. Always looking into their beautiful eyes with complete rapt attention, hanging on each and every syllable. Then later that day or that week or even that hour, they would tell me something they were doing and I would say "you didn't tell me that" and they would say "yes I did - remember?!" - uh no I don't. And then I would feel so bad because I really was listening as hard as I could - it just didn't penetrate this fossil of a brain I guess.

Well, it gets worse with age let me tell you. This morning I was walking into the office and thought to myself "hey yea my mantra - gotta do it". I'm strong, I'm beautiful, uhhhhhhhhhh, hmm. I'm strong, I'm beautiful, damn, uhhhhhhh. I'm strong, I'm beautiful - oh yea I'm smart!!!!! yay yaya! - hahahahaha. Stupid. Okay so then I'm thinking gosh I can't believe I forgot that - oh yea, need to read my new book, The Memory Cure - dang, forgot to bring it to work. Crap.

I called Dennis on my way in and said there are four things I need to do at lunch today and I reeled them right off. An hour later I'm on the phone with him - what were those things I said I needed to do today?

The worst is when my sister says "remember when we were little and blah blah blah?" and I always always always say NO! I do not remember that - yet she continues to do that to me - possibly just to rub in the fact that she can remember it and I don't. I choose to believe she's making it all up. :)

And the list just goes on and on and on - I don't understand what causes this and I don't like it. I don't like the way I can't forget some things I wish I could - can't remember some things I really really need to. Supposedly the more you do for yourself, your health, your brain - such as eating right, working on puzzles, reading, etc. - well just the more you do for your brain and body helps your memory. I do a lot for my body and my brain and I guess should just realize how bad it might be if I didn't? Yikes!

Mantra

I have a new mantra - 'I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM SMART'. I started saying it to myself like a zillion times yesterday. And I think it's working because I might actually start to believe one or two of those eventually. The thing is that I think my mantra - if it works - will get me into lots of trouble.

For instance, last night I told Dennis that when his mom dies I think it would be good (actually I said 'A GREAT IDEA!!!!" for us to move to Texas so "we" can be near "our" grandchildren. Of course he's always told me he would never ever move to Texas, so it was complete bravery that made me say that that was such a good idea! The thing is that if you have a dream about what your future should/would be, then suddenly one day you wake up and realize you are living someone else's dream, that is disturbing. Then you will try to urge the other person into believing that your dream is the one they should be living - not their own. Basically ends up being one person's decision to make their dream the same as the person they love's dream.

So even though I ended my evening feeling somewhat defeated, I am strong and I know it. Maybe not too smart for bringing up wanting to move again, but smart enough to realize what was taking place during the entire conversation with Dennis. In one sentence he would say "what about Stephanie, she would have no one here, no family around her or anything if I was gone". However, I have no one here and that's okay?

Oh well going off on a tangent just making sure I don't collect a bunch of cortisol today :).

Anyway also think the mantra will work. Eventually......

Chronic Thoughts

I was just reading about how Cortisol is what makes our tummies fatter - and that Cortisol is released during stress. Okay so the way to relieve stress is to learn breathing techniques or journal, etc. I have never written very much down because I'm usually surrounded by nosy husbands who take everything the wrong way. And no I don't have more than one husband, but have had more than one husband :).

Anyway I don't really feel like learning breathing techniques so thought I would try my hand at blogging. How funny that I would write in a place where anyone and everyone can read everything I write. It's just for me to get it down and out of my system. Right? Doesn't matter to me who reads it because of my new mantra - which I may discuss at a later date, depending on whether or not I forget what it is.

So I might try some deep breathing while I am writing, trying to ignore my co-workers and their constant jibber-jabber, hoping like heck the co-worker that is obsessed with me doesn't come roaming by to stare, etc. etc. Basically what I'm going to try to get down on here a little from time to time is WHAT is causing my stress, thereby, having no choice but to eliminate that crap.

But don't get me started about my co-workers - I only have a one hour lunch and have already used 45 minutes. Not doing this - but eating soup and learning how to do a blog, reading my son's blog and doing some deep breathing stuff.

So I'm wearing a new outfit today and no one has said anything. The funny thing is that this morning I put this on and said "if anyone says are you wearing a new outfit? I might kill them with a look". I hate when people do that, however, no one has so it's okay. I guess it would be nice if someone said it looked nice though. I'm doing so good on my exercise and weight plan that I feel amazing. Unfortunately the chronic headaches continue...can't imagine why - I wonder if chronic headaches are also caused by stress (duh). I once took meds for chronic headaches and I gained 25 pounds, quit taking them, lost 25 pounds. Now I've gained that and more and don't take the same medicine, still have chronic headaches, blah blah blah.

I know that the obsessed guy is here today - I saw his stupid ass car. If I hear his voice, I might throw up my soup - now that sounds like a good way to relieve stress - ick.